Ask Jenn Vicious: He’s Not Nice and You’re Not a “B*tch”

By: Jenn Vicious 

il_570xN.329215155Jenn Vicious is the radical community’s Agony Aunt, providing life coaching and social etiquette answers for radical cultures.  Need poly, kinky, or queer dating advice, need to to know what to wear to court or a family function (you know, one you have to look “respectable” at),  want to understand what to and not to say in some contexts, ask Jenn Vicious.

So there’s this guy, and he has a crush on me.  Which is very flattering because he’s really a nice person but I honestly cannot see up being anything except platonic.  The problem is that he refuses to accept that, and refuses to leave me alone.  He calls and texts 24/7, chewed out my ex-girlfriend for “being a bitch to me” and lurks outside my apartment so we’re forced to spend time together.  TBH (To Be Honest), it’s starting to freak me out a little.  I don’t want to be a bitch, but how do I make him back off?  

– Anonymous 

The moment that guy refused to accept that you aren’t interested in dating him, he ceased to be “a really nice person.” Dude is a creeper. Tell him to fuck off.

This guy has crossed the line. You need to set some crystal clear, not negotiable boundaries with him. Say: “I am not interested in dating you, and I want you to give me some space. Do not call, do not text, do not hang around outside my apartment”. If he calls or texts, do not answer or respond. If he still hangs out around your apartment, tell him to go away. Do not prioritize being nice to him.

You also need to get all your friends on board, because I’m worried that he won’t hear you when you tell him to go away. You need a support team to help you enforce your boundaries. Be really clear with your friends about what is going on and how it makes you feel.

You also need to let go of this notion that if you tell someone to stop stalking you, then you are a “bitch.” First of all, any guy who doesn’t take the hint that you aren’t interested and does creepy things to try to be around you even more is a thick-headed d-bag. That doesn’t have anything at all to do with you.

Second of all, “bitch” is a term that has been used throughout history to describe women who do not comply with rigid societal expectations of what a “woman” should be. I am not one of those who think that “bitch” is this taboo term that only fucked-up offensive people use. In fact, I say it whenever I feel like it. But the way you’ve used it in this context riles me. Because that is exactly what creeper dude wants you to think: that if you don’t let him do whatever he wants to do, then you are a bitch.

Thirdly, I think you need to reclaim that word a bit, in this instance. If standing up for yourself and not giving into what some dude wants is the same as being a bitch, then it is time to be a bitch.

Despite my oddly second-wave outside reference up there, I don’t really care if you choose to embrace that word or not. But I do care that you stand up for yourself and listen to your instincts. Tell him straight up to leave you alone.

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