By: In Our Words Staff/ Patrick Gill
Valentine’s Day causes a lot of cognitive dissonance for me. Sentimental Patrick wants to give and receive truckloads of flowers and candy and thoughtful presents to everyone I love, wants to find somebody, take them out, and have the best date of our respective lives—until next year and the year after that. Then Single Patrick wants to drink. And Bitter Patrick wants to set fires. And Financially Insolvent Patrick realizes this is all impossible, except for maybe the drinking.
Enter the majority of recipes here (don’t worry, some of them are non-alcoholic near the end). Do you want to celebrate being single or make romantic cocktails for two, commiserate with friends and booze (please let them not be the same) or get a little tipsy with your lover.
The first two of these are slammer shots, yes, you can release any potential resentment of anger you have or make a fun activity for you and your friends as you get drunk together, FOR FRIENDSHIP! Don’t be a jerk though if you get these at the bar, be nice and tip extra. Oh, and if you have never had a slammer shot, pour ingredients together in glass, cover with hand, wrap it on to the bar with a light knock (bottom down) then sail it into your face-hole.
That One Racist Scene in Temple of Doom (the one that totally misrepresents Hinduism)
Part Blood Orange Carbonated Water
Touch of Honey
The title referrs the scene where a person gets their heart ripped out. Start this list off right, with something that can help you forget feeling like that ever.
Tequila (and or Boner) Popper
Touch of grenadine
The shot taken at the beginning of this is (I believe) a Tequila Popper. This is how I want your night to go.
Salt a portion of your hand to lick after the shot
Adam Guerino once said “That doesn’t sound like it makes me hate my dreams, that makes me hate my bartender.” That’s right, focus your hate on something else as you get coffee flavored wasted.
I have found for you, dear readers, perfect before sex cocktails/cocktails that are easy to get intimate after. No heavy red wine, no booze typically associated with stomach pain or getting angry (Whiskey or Tequila), no beer to make you urpy or gassy, not too sweet so that you crash.
2 shots vodka
5 shots Lemon Lime Soda
A bit of grenadine, some say an ounce but I say diabetes runs in my family
Fresh or Maraschino cherry to garnish (if fresh, remember to half and pit it!)
I once took a friend to his first gay bar, he asked for this drink without knowing what exactly was in it. So I looked up, and realized this is quite possibly the most Valentines of all Valentines drinks, it’s like a flirtation wink in a glass. It’s a Shirley Temple gone wild. It’s just cheesy and tasty enough. So Ian, thank you, and now you can never forget this/you know what to tell bartenders.
1 shot Vodka
½ shot Lime Juice
Splash of cranberry (optional)
3 drops of Bitters
Top with Soda
Simple, refreshing, and light, the way before sexytime cocktails should be.
2 shots Midori
1 shot vodka
Top with orange, or pineapple juice
This drink makes me think of a) classy vintage film starlets and b) the TV show Archer, specifically the episode where they have to steal someone’s blood to fool people in a paternity test. So your night could go a few different ways with this, in any case, it’s gonna be seductive.
2 shots Midori
1 shot Bourbon
½ shot lime juice
Top with ginger ale
Because I don’t like telling people to buy liqueurs for one drink, then having it sit in your booze trove forever without you knowing what the hell to do with it, I bring you this tasty lemonade.
Romatic Tea and other sundries
Quiet Romance Tea
Fresh Rosemary (to stir with)
Make this for your sweetie, especially if they are super stressed most of the time (rosemary relives inflamation, rose is good for skin, jasmine calms), its pretty similar to our last entry with tea, but this one of course is cuter with twist.
Apple of My Eye Tea
2 Apples, quartered and de-seeded
2 sticks of cinnamon
1/4 inch of Fresh Ginger, peeled
1 table spoon of whole seed coriander
Place the herbs in a sauce pan, pour in a few cups of water, bring it all to a boil. Add apples, keep boiling for 5 minutes, before you just let it simmer. Keep this going until the apples get fairly soft. This will take some time but the house will also smell amazing after this, which is another pretty awesome gift for your sweetie.
Beeting Heart Shake
¼ cup or less beet juice
¼ cup Blueberries
¼ cup Strawberries
Honey, Stevia, or Agave Nectar
As much milk as you want(dairy, soy, almond, or coconut)
Optional: Coconut Oil
Treat yo’ self! With a healthy milk shake-like smoothie! Trust me, the beet sounds scary, but it is incredible.
Pom of Your Hand
Cup of Pomegranate juice
¼ cup diced apples
Sliver of fresh ginger
Make sure to let this blend for longer than you think, because apples are pretty weird. In any case this should be a delicious and antioxidant rich smoothie.
Love in the Morning– Mango “Mimosa”
1 part Sparkling apple cider (could be champagne if you want, if you don’t have to go to work that day)
1 part Mango juice (Get that big box of Jumex! So damn good)
Trust me on this please, orange juice is great, but mango in the morning is so incredible. Also this is perfect if you want to make a romantic wake up gesture, before they go in to work or class or what have you. If you do choose to do this with champagne/sparkling wine, Prosecco is really great with it—which I guess makes it a bellini, but whatever its fruit and fizzy booze and its magical no matter what you call it.
*Also note that the