Ask Jenn Vicious: For the Love of Short Men

by: Jenn Vicious


Jenn Vicious is the radical community’s Agony Aunt, providing life coaching and social etiquette answers for radical cultures.  Need poly. kinky, or queer dating advice, need to to know what to wear to court or a family function (you know, one you have to look “respectable” at),  want to understand what to and not to say in some contexts, ask Jenn Vicious.

Hey, I’m a 5’9 woman and my boyfriend is 5’4.  I have been with him for a few months.  I didn’t think the height difference would be a problem but I guess it is.  I just don’t feel like a woman when I’m with him.  I feel like we look awkward and sex is kind of unsatisfying.  I don’t want to leave him for those reasons because they seem shallow, what should I do? 


I respect that you don’t want to want to leave him for reasons that seem shallow. Unfortunately, you DO want to leave him for reasons that are shallow. You should just accept that fact.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt right now. Probably your relationship just isn’t that great. If it was really good in other ways, (connection, communication, sex, etc.) I’m guessing you wouldn’t care about the height thing, which is a really stupid reason to not like someone, btw.

So let’s assume you need to leave this guy because your relationship is just unsatisfying. When you dump him, say that. He doesn’t need you making him feel shitty about his height.

I can not end this post without pointing out that you have a serious problem that has absolutely nothing to do with your short boyfriend. If you are looking to other people to define yourself, whether it’s to make you feel like a “woman” (whatever that means) or anything else, you are always going to have problems.  Look to yourself, figure out who you are and how you want to be in the world before you start dating someone else.  Then it won’t matter how tall they are.

cross-reference this previous post to get one perspective of being the short guy in the short guy-tall girl relationship.

(The cross referenced column)

So, my girlfriend is six inches taller than me and unusually physically strong.  We have a lot of strap-on sex.  I am, at this point, very comfortable with that, our relationship, our size/physical strength difference and feel very good about all of it and the kinky sex we have with me as the submissive partner more often than not.  The problem is that recently it became public knowledge.  Most of my long term male friends suddenly see me in a negative light.  This is sudden and hurtful.  What do [sic]? 

Oblivion Jones

Hey oblivion,

Your friends suck. They sound like d-bags. You sound awesome, and comfortable with who you are and your relationship. They sound like insecure little babies who are trying to make you feel as scared as they feel.

It seems like your situation is making them feel insecure about their own ability to live up to unrealistic standards of what males are “supposed” to be. They probably battle fears of not being strong enough, big enough, tough enough, etc. It sounds like you aren’t fighting those battles, and you are probably happier for it.

The best thing you can do is just be yourself and be proud of yourself. That is a kind of strength they probably don’t understand right now. And though your friends might act like morons for a while, probably the more they see this strength of yours, the more they will come to accept it and see it as a plus, not a negative. And if they don’t do that, then they aren’t actually very good friends.

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