by: Addison Bell
My mother had a graduation party for me the other night. Everyone asked me what my plans are. I told everyone that I’m looking for jobs in Chicago (if you know of anything, let me know), but I said to one person, “You know, I think I’m just going to open up a lemonade stand somewhere. But I would either drink all of the lemonade because of the heat or get arrested for spiking it with vodka.” That person did not laugh, she just looked concerned. It got me thinking, though, that I need to have plans other than finding a job. Now is the time to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never had time to do because of school. I smell freedom in the air and it’s not because of the 4th.
5. Dance Like Thom Yorke
Have you seen the video for Radiohead’s “Lotus Flower?” It’s like porn and he doesn’t even take his clothes off. The first single of 2011’s The King of Limbs is a solid five minutes of Yorke dancing. I couldn’t even make it through the whole thing the first time I watched it. I want to learn his moves, get on an L platform and dance while trains pass. If all else fails, I’ll just dance like Kristen Wiig. Livin’ the dream.
4. Make “Shit Addison Says”
This past winter, in the midst of “Shit So-and-So Says,” my roommate and I started talking about how we need to make one about me. It never happened, but it will. Expect to hear me say stuff like, “I’m not sure,” “Go out tonight? I don’t know—okay!” “I really want a burrito,” “Should I wear eyeliner?” Expect to see a lot of hummus, wine, chocolate covered almonds, feathers, and me falling.
3. Sound Smart and Seduce Jónsi
I only took one quarter of French at DePaul. The professor would always call on me and be like, “Ad-i-sawn” How do you say ‘fail’ in French?” And I would say, “Uhhh, pass?” Needless to say, I stopped taking French after that, but I still want to learn, mostly because I want sound smart around my family and hit on waiters when I make it to France. But I also want to learn how to speak Icelandic so that I can seduce Jónsi if I ever meet him. Sigur Rós has its own language and Jónsi speaks fluent English, but Icelandic sounds more romantic. Plus, if I ever go to Iceland, I want to go to a pub and knit sweaters with men and talk about nature and shit.
2. Get Drunk with Chan
If you don’t know me then you don’t know that Chan Marhsall, a.k.a Cat Power, is my idol. Just listen to her music and we’ll talk. Anyway, Chan knows how to party and I want to party with her. One of my bosses once told me that he was talking with her at a festival and she invited him to drink Jack and play cards with her. I want that. I want to take shots of whisky with her until I start talking with a different accent like Lesile Knope. I want to cry with her over how stupid boys are. I want to wake up without knowing where my pants are.
1. Get Clementine Kruczynski
It has always been a dream of mine to adopt a pig. Sometimes in life you just want things very badly for no apparent reason. Well, that’s not applicable here, because I’ve always been destined to have a pig. I think it all started when I saw Babe and I started crying uncontrollably because everyone was so mean to him and he just wanted to be accepted and loved (I’m pretty sure I brought that up in therapy once). Anyway, I have decided that when I get this pig, I will name him or her Clementine Kruczynski, and s/he will wear a pink bow, wear slippers when we walk, and sleep with me at night. This is all I really want in life.
Addison Bell is a senior at DePaul University where he is studying English Literature. He is the President of Oxfam DePaul and volunteers with Oxfam America, an organization dedicated to ending world hunger, poverty, and social injustice. Follow Addison on Twitter @boy_1904 and on Tumblr: colourmegreenwich.tumblr.com.