by: Kathryn A. Evans
The reason I hate the song “Call Me Maybe” is because I don’t like the message it is sending people. If I give you my phone number I don’t want you to “call me maybe”: I want you to call me for sure. Call me the next day and make plans with me because that’s what you use phone numbers for. We aren’t just talking on Facebook. I gave you my number. I want you to call me.
If you only “maybe” want to call me, don’t call at all. Don’t waste my time and have me think you will call me. I don’t need you to call once I’m dating someone or have a new best friend. By that time I will not need you to call me. The timing is okay and I’m not so busy at work so call me now because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow I might be busy as hell. Someone close to me might die. If I have to “maybe” hear from you, then I will maybe not answer when you call three months after I’ve given you my number.
Also, in this song, she says that this guy is in her way…and then ends up giving him her number? If someone was ever in my way, it wouldn’t end with us exchanging numbers. But the worst is at the end of the song when she says: “Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad.” How can anyone miss someone before knowing them? It just doesn’t make any sense. With that in mind, here are some tips to help you avoid it.
1. Stay away from anyone under the age of 13.
Chances are they like that song. If you assume this you limit your chances of hearing them hum the song or screaming “I love this song!” in the car which then forces you to listen to it. Being under 13 you usually get your way since they come with the super human power of annoying you until they cry and make you look like a jerk.
2. Find out who secretly loves that song.
This will be shocking, terrifying and tricky all at once. Just the other day I found out my friend who is a 26-year-old straight identified male enjoys this song. I found out because he videotaped his visit to the Grand Canyon and that song was in the background. When I asked about the song, he said he “kind of likes it.” That’s code for “I have bad taste in music.” Once you find this information out, avoid this person for 2-4 months or until you hear a song they will like more. Keep sending them those YouTube clips of bands you like to distract them. Maybe if you do that, they won’t notice you’ve been avoiding them.
3. Head phones at work are a must.
Yesterday my co-worker was playing the song “Silent Night.” It’s July. Thus, this is a rule of thumb to use anytime, but a must while trying to avoid this particular song.
4. Exercise complete car control.
Slap away people’s hands when they go to turn the station, or you can just not drive with anyone else in the car. Or start biking. Biking is a great alternative for your health and the environment, so blame your new actions on that.
5. Don’t tell anyone you hate that song.
If you tell someone you hate that song, they may tease you about it and find new ways to get it in your head and ears.
6. Avoid retail stores.
Warning: this can be a danger area. I suggest again that you wear head phones for emergencies. Don’t go into a store you know might play that song. I don’t care how cute the pants or shoes are: that’s what online shopping is for. Don’t take the chance.
7. Be wary of phone ringtones.
Make sure you are careful of how close you are to strangers; they “maybe” have this song as a ring tone. Always have an escape or running shoes on.
8. Don’t use other peoples’ IPods.
Don’t. Bad idea. Hum a song to yourself instead, carry a kazoo, or play the recorder. Whatever you do, just don’t use someone else’s IPod.
9. Don’t go to the gym.
Again head phones are your best chance. Stuff your IPod in your sports bra or shorts if you have to. Just keep the volume up and the crisis will be averted.
10. Don’t use public transportation.
Head phones, again. Or just stay away from that all together. Don’t trust anyone with that song. All it takes is one wrong person to sit near you to infect your hearing space.
11. Skip the pool party.
Sounds fun, but it won’t be if you hear that song while you are in a float raft. Stranded and forced to get wet while frantically reaching the ipod or radio station button. Avoid that hot mess by sitting next to the music maker and just get the hose out. You won’t have to share the water coming from it since everyone will be in the pool, plus complete control over the music.
12. Run away from public restrooms.
This maybe the most dangerous of all places to accidentally run into this song. Whatever you do, don’t poop in public restrooms. It will be much faster to run out of the restroom that way. Wear easy pee accessing clothes and bring hand sanitizer in case the song comes on before you get to wash your hands.
This is only the beginning. You need to be sharp. This kind of popular song can ruin lives, relationships and hearing. You must find a way. So, share your horror stories, and tell us where you have run into this song in the comments, as are many sneaky ways to hear this song. Sometimes you have to think ahead and get a little paranoid to achieve success. Let’s mend our wounds together and prevent future accidents from happening.