by: Timothy Lalowski
I’m not single by choice. This here, this hot mess of a person is most definitely not a choice, but rather, I got this way by force. It was by brute force that the universe dictated that I am to remain single. Now, I spend long hours and many days contemplating my relationship status, and wondering what it is that made me this way. What am I doing or not doing? Why? How? Regardless of how much I contemplate these questions, the fact of the matter is that I remain single.
Now, I haven’t always been single. I’ve dated a few times; however, I use that term loosely. I’ve gone on many many first dates and occasionally gone on a second date and (fingers crossed!) third. Once or twice, I may have non-verbally agreed to be “exclusive” with someone, but these instances are few and far between and never actually last long enough for the general population to acknowledge them as such.
The fact is: I’m pretty much a continual bachelor. I’m not like Barney, from How I Met Your Mother, picking up one night stands five days a week as if I was getting a paycheck to do so, but I’m also not an a-social shut-in, avoiding guys at all costs. I’m just a run-of-the-mill, typical bachelor, except for that fact that there’s nothing typical about me, and that is where the problem lies. I carry a lot of luggage, and it takes a very special and rare person to accept all of it.
Now, we all have characteristics about ourselves that we may consider flaws, but my flaws are far from the generic, generally accepted and ignored type. My flaws are types that the general population doesn’t have a concept of, and they don’t go unnoticed. My laundry list of imperfections is quite substantial, and a friend told me that I could write a graduate thesis just listing them. For instance, my voice is only behind Fran Drescher’s in the race for “Most Obnoxiously Annoying.” In addition, I don’t quite have Tourette’s, but I do occasionally have body spasms or vocalize grunts or shouts against my will and fear that one day I will snap my own neck with one of the more violent of them. The rest of my list includes the fact that I’m a weird-ass drag queen and I occasionally lose voluntary muscle control and have been known the lose my ability to write or breathe. Then there’s my vivid imagination that had me once spend a week believing I had murdered a man. There’s a whole lot of fucked up in my life, and it’s strange — because it’s always just seemed to “normal” to me.
But then I realize that maybe it is normal: there are nearly 7 billion people on the planet, and I can’t be the only one that lives day to day like this, blending in with society until one of them gets to know them well enough. There are so many people, all unique, all with the potential to be beautiful beings. We all search for love; it’s the part of us that makes us human, and this search can turn up empty handed if we look in the wrong way.
Timothy Elliot Lalowski is a student at the Illinois Institute of Technology where he studies Architectural Engineering and Civil Engineering with a minor in Architecture. Timothy is a founder of ItGetsMoreGay.tumblr.com, a G focused LGBTQ help blog. Timothy has also recently founded New Velocity, the Illinois Institute of Technology’s Performance Dance Troupe and serves as president and major choreographer. Interested in the Social Progressive Movement, Timothy continues to work towards his goal of founding the Progressive Design and Engineering Movements.