by: Katie Vota
How to avoid bad sex? Here’s the first word I’ve got for you: COMMUNICATION.
Before I go on, “communication” is not a gendered word. I don’t care if you’re male, female, cis, trans, genderqueer or prefer not to identify with such things, communication is important, and I don’t want to hear you citing your gender as your reason for not speaking up (ie. “real men don’t share their feelings” and the like).
When you find yourself in a position to be having sex, you have to talk to the person you’re going to have sex with. Tell your partner what you want. Tell them before you start fucking, after, during, whenever you need to, and tell them often. Your partner is not a mind-reader (or if they are, all the better for you!) If you’re shy about saying what you want out loud, practice by yourself first, but tell them. Take a deep breath and just go for it.
Some of my favorite partners have actually told me thank-you for not making them guess. And, if you tell them exactly what you want, then you are more likely to get what you want. Which usually leads to better sex. And if they’re going to town on your pussy and you need them to move their face right a fraction of an inch, just tell them so. Unless they’re some kind of crazy, they’re not going to get offended. Instead, they should be happy to do what you ask because they want to make you feel good. And if they don’t want you to feel good, then you should dump their ass and find someone who does. Because then you’ll have better sex.
In order to tell them what you want, however, you have to figure that out for yourself first. So, next thought towards having better sex—Know your Body. Masturbate. Figure out what makes you feel good, what little hidden spots set you off screaming for more. That’s the information your partners need when they’re trying to please you. Yes, your partners will probably discover things you didn’t know about, but if you don’t know what turns you on, how can you expect your partner to magically discover these things groping in the dark?
Do your research. If something sounds interesting, read a bit about it. There are plenty of good, informational websites and books that are made specifically to de-mystify various sex acts, kinks and whatever else is out there that piques your curiosity. If you then want to try something, bring it up. Be able to give your partner some basic info on whatever it is if they’ve never heard about it. And then, if it sounds like a good idea to you both, do the rest of your research so you can have a safe and fun sexual experience. If you don’t hate it but you don’t love it, consider trying whatever-it-is a second time, because there are all kinds of variables when it comes to sex, and the next time might be a completely life changing experience. Don’t do things you hate, and be willing to actively communicate with your partner if something is uncomfortable or just not working for you.
Laugh. If something doesn’t turn out in the actual world like it did in your head (read: wow this is actually ridiculous and awkward), be able to laugh about it, kiss each other, and move on.
Foreplay. Your entire body is an erogenous zone and it’s begging to be explored. Touch eachother. Kiss eachother. Suck on your partner’s ear lobes and watch them squirm and moan. Slip your hand under her dress and feel how wet she is through her panties, but don’t actually touch her skin. Let your hands linger. Try things, just to see the reactions, and take your time.
**Please note: In writing this, I am coming from the standpoint of “What can I do to have better sex myself?” This is good, right up until there’s a second person thrown into the mix. Because in most cases it takes two people to have bad sex, or good sex for that matter. If you communicate and encourage your partner to communicate with you, you’ll have better sex. All of the above-mentioned things work better if all people involved do them. However, even if it’s just you doing them, you should still have better sex, because there’s a certain amount of selfishness in communicating what you want that includes working towards making those wants into realities. That said, I can only write from my own experience, and, while these things work for me, they might not for everyone. So if being taciturn is what turns you on and laughter would totally ruin the experience, don’t do it. I promise I won’t’ be offended.
Katie Vota is a textile & paper artist, Fulbright Scholar, and short queer person. She has a BFA in Fiber from the Maryland Institute College of Art, and since graduation, has exhibited her work both nationally and internationally. Vota is a PR Assistant and designer by day, and in her free time she dances salsa (so much salsa), travels, makes art, and writes articles for various small publications. She is also preoccupied with her upcoming installation at the Krasl Art Center’s ArtLab space in St. Joseph, MI, which opens July 27th.