by: Dana Norris
What makes a man a man? Facial hair? A desire to see things blow up? A consistent, unending urge to put your penis in new and more interesting wet/dark places? The inability to cry, no matter who has died? Nicely filling out a suit?
Most aspect of the male gender are socially constructed. But this isn’t a bad thing. Since “male” and “female” are mostly amalgams of the characteristics that we decide are uniquely “male” or “female”, we can construct our gender the way we construct our Facebook profile. And now it’s even easier to become a man, thanks to Ruffles Ultimate potato chips.
Ruffles Ultimate are a new line of potato chips and dips that are just for men. This gender-enhanced snack was “launched” just last week at the Maxim Hot 100 Party in New York. And never mind that Stephen Colbert was rated the #69 sexiest woman in America this year – there is nothing more masculine than eating a potato chip that is just for men at an event that ranks celebrity females that we most enjoy masturbating to, in exact order.
Ruffles Ultimate chips and dip feature such testicle-descending flavors such as Kickin’ Jalapeno Ranch and Beef N’ Cheese. The potato chips are twice the size as original Ruffles and the depth of their ridges has increased as well. Worried that people don’t think you have a large, veiny dick? Just purchase a bag of these uncomfortably large, profoundly ridged potato chips and you will acquire salty, delicious proof that not only does your penis exist, but it can hammer nails.
So now, when I’m riding the train at night and worried that the creepy guy with the overalls across the aisle is seriously considering follow me home, I can relax. All I need to do is pull out a bag of Ruffles Ultimate Sweet N’ Smokin BBQ chips and everyone on the train will get the message: this woman is a man, her vagina is the largest dick you’ve even seen, and it will punch you in the throat. Thanks Ruffles!