The Social Liberal’s Guide to Dating a Conservative

by: Timothy Lalowski

In general, you’re either for the red or for the blue in this country. The political system has been engrained in each of us so deeply that voting for a third party is almost equivalent of flushing your ballot down the shitter. On one hand, you have the peace and freedom loving liberals, and on the other, the “tradition” holding tyrants. Now, I’m not going to say one is better than the other (at least not so bluntly), but they definitely have their differences, and for that reason, I tend to date within my color (red, of course). So, having little to no experience dating men of the blue persuasion (leaning more towards none), I feel more than qualified to write a guide on romanticizing their persons.

Discuss Safe Topics.

Try discussing things both red and blue can agree on. I like to call these ‘purple’ topics, which include such subjects as the weather, the Kardashians, or the fact that the sun rose yet again this morning. Nobody can argue that, right? That being said, stay away from ‘hot’ topics like adequate treatment of healthcare, basic human rights, or equal taxation.

Refrain from Business.

Do not, under any circumstances, involve yourself in any aspect of their business life. Don’t ask about work. Don’t talk about the company. Don’t ask where the money comes from. Any aspect. You don’t want to know, and you certainly don’t want to hear those things coming out of your lover’s mouth.

Play Along.

If you’re in a same-sex or any other type of queer relationship, this rule is very important. Your goal in this situation is to allow the conservative to believe that they actually hold those views and be queer. This is when your childhood imagination skills come into play. Now, this all is common knowledge. We all know that you can’t be queer and hold conservative social values, and those  conservatives that sport the pink triangle or rainbow flag aren’t fooling anyone. However, you can’t let them catch on that you know this. Nothing is more detrimental to a blue than hurt pride, so just nod your head and keep on smiling.

Keep Away.

Keep them away from the vast majority of your friends, especially those who just can’t shut their freedom-loving mouths. Your friends are the first and most important people to pass judgment on your boo, and I hope you have more pride than to allow them to see you in this state. Remember, it’s just a phase, and if you really want to see the shit show this encounter would entail, sit your ass down and watch Maury. That guy is paid to handle screaming matches.

Keep it in the Bedroom.

The number one solution to keeping any fruitless relationship is lots and lots of sex. Just keep fucking, and you don’t have to actually speak to each other. It’s really that simple. It’s a Win-Win. You get lots of wonderful, glorious sex and you don’t have to listen to the mindless banter of their obscured thoughts. Remember: lots of fuck.

Just Don’t.

Just don’t do it. Don’t date a conservative. Trust me; you’ll be much happier that way. You won’t have to worry about all these silly rules and you’ll be blissfully oblivious to the skewed reality that we call the world of conservative thought. You’ll thank me for this later.

Timothy Elliot Lalowski is a student at the Illinois Institute of Technology where he studies Architectural Engineering and Civil Engineering with a minor in Architecture. Timothy is a founder of, a G focused LGBTQ help blog. Timothy has also recently founded New Velocity, the Illinois Institute of Technology’s Performance Dance Troupe and serves as president and major choreographer. Interested in the Social Progressive Movement, Timothy continues to work towards his goal of founding the Progressive Design and Engineering Movements.

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