by: Mark Nott
Miss Smith awoke one sunny spring morning and found herself in the spotlight. She wasn’t a celebrity and she had done nothing particularly noteworthy. No, Miss Smith was just another example of a young, hardworking everywoman. She wasn’t famous for being famous or being interviewed by some nosey reporter about an impending nuclear war. But Miss Smith was on the cover of every newspaper and the top story of every nightly news report. In fact, every politician in America was discussing her fervently. So, why was Miss Smith suddenly a political superstar? Simple. She is a woman.
Unbeknownst to Miss Smith, overnight her own personal rights had become the focal point of political debate. Indeed, the most personal of personal rights – the right to reproductive services – was being challenged by those in religious institutions and on the political right. Should her place of work be mandated to provide her access to birth control? Does she even have a right to birth control? Not if she works for a religious organization, conservatives said, and those on the far right of the spectrum aim at completely banning birth control.
As the political fighting reaches a fever pitch, Miss Smith suddenly becomes terrified that her basic rights as a citizen of her country are going to be removed. How is she to fight these measures and protect herself? Clearly something is amiss here. However, it suddenly occurs to her: what is the one institution in America that is more sacred than that of the private citizen? The corporation! Miss Smith—and her reproductive organs—would become what America loves more than anything: a privately-owned business, her vagina far away from the clutches of socialism. Thus, her own corporate entity would protect her rights from the talons of those would so easily snatch them away. But where does she start?
The first and most rudimentary step in incorporating a business is deciding where to incorporate said business. Will Miss Smith choose to incorporate herself in the state of her residence? Perhaps out of state? Or, if Miss Smith’s lady parts have felt the itch and tickle of globalization, maybe she’ll structure herself as a foreign company. The simplest of the choices is, of course, to incorporate in-state, that paperwork being the most readily and easily accessible to her; however, the tax benefits of a foreign company may be appealing.
Following this, Miss Smith must reach a pre-incorporation agreement with the co-founders of herself. Avoiding the metaphysical or the Britney, Miss Smith may elect to have her mother and father serve as the co-founders of her vagina; between them they will decide who will serve on the board of directors, who will buy stock, how many shares of stock, and at what price. At this point, it may be advisable that Miss Smith hire an accounting specialist—who will help in ascertaining her value as a woman and a corporation—and thereby provide a better idea of her stock price. It may also be prudent for Miss Smith to maintain the majority of shares held, so as to not become embroiled in a power play between herself and her co-founders.
Now comes the most challenging of the steps: the naming of Miss Smith. Should she simply stick to something straightforward: “Miss Smith, Inc.?” Or should it be something a little more striking: “It’s My Body Not Yours, Corp.?” Or better yet: “Mind Your Own #$&%-ing Business, LLC?” Once Miss Smith has decided on her name, she’ll need to acquire an application of registration from the Secretary of State to insure that the name of her own #$&%-ing business hasn’t already been incorporated.
If and when “Holy Crap, What Are These People Thinking?, Inc.” has been greenlighted by the Secretary of State, it is time to acquire and submit the things that will be the saving grace to Miss Smith and her rights—namely, the Articles of Incorporation. Like sacred tablets handed down to Miss Smith from a capitalist Moses, these articles will establish the corporate governance of Miss Smith. Such things as the purpose of business (“to protect and serve my uterus”), a detailed account of the number of aggregate shares the company is authorized to use, and any other pertinent information—as designated by the governing law—will be submitted in these Articles of Incorporation. Following the acceptance of these articles, Miss Smith will be presented with a certificate of incorporation from the Secretary of State. After a brief shareholders meeting and the official election of a board of directors, Miss Smith has finally gone into lady business for herself.
Now that Miss Smith has finally become her own corporation, she will be afforded the rights of all corporations: a self-ruling corporate body that makes decisions for itself, little oversight and interference from the federal government, tax breaks and the blessing of Mitt Romney’s magical underwear. And thus, Miss Smith has succeeded. She has outwitted the politicians. Her acquisition of the holy of all holies, the blessed sacrament of the articles of incorporation, has saved her. She is safe. Her body is safe. The almighty edict of laissez-faire capitalism has silenced her foes and Miss Smith is now able to procreate—or not—in peace.