There would be a prissy walk involved, and creepy smiling, and I would make my voice as deep as possible; this is because I watch too much Toddlers & Tiaras and apparently I always make my voice two octaves too deep on stage. As for what I would say, it would be fairly vacant, but it would have a lot of alliteration.
When did you stop believing in Santa Claus?
You, you be quiet now. Santa Claus never dies.
What famous person epitomizes your ideal mate and why?
Simon Pegg in the 90s. I can’t fit it into the space allotted, but if you watched the show Spaced, you would understand that I am in some ways Daisy, and I need a Tim. But we would actually date and he would have no need for pictures of Gillian Anderson.
What you think is our culture’s biggest hang up with sex and dating?
With sex, it would be the idea that men think about it, all the time, and that that can never change. Sometimes I have the sex drive of a declawed sloth. And I am a man. You hear that deodorant commercials.
What are you long-term goals?
Make a perfect apple pie to serve it to people I care about.
If you had to stay in on a Friday night alone or with someone special, how would you spend it?
With our without someone, bed or couch sitting with whiskey, cookies, and good TV. Snuggies are involved.
When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
My aunt told me that I said I wanted to be a priest. Hilarious. I wanted to be a chef or a writer.
If you had to marry one Jonas Brother, have sex with another and kill the third one, which would you choose?
Marry all of them, because gay polyandry would offend more and kill less people.
What are the lessons you learned from your most significant relationship?
Clear communication and remember to keep my cool. Sometimes I let myself get worked up and angry without examining why, I keep it in and release it in the way that I know can hurt someone. It’s something I have tried not to do as of late. Its also important to not always match or exceed someone’s anger in a fight.
Are you a dog person or a cat person and why?
Dog, I am allergic to cats. Also my personality is more compatible with dogs. I am not precise or patient enough for cats. Dogs are like the Ringo of animals, they just are, and Ringo is my favorite Beatle for that reason.
The Voice or American Idol?
The spinning chair from The Voice. With Cee-Lo’s cat.
Britney or Christina?
How do you see your life when you are older?
I never really saw myself getting older, but I think I will age into someone hilariously weathered. I have a persona in the works named The Gray Queen.
If you could be famous for only one thing, what would it be?
I don’t know if you know this, but I am the Pancake Lady that Lizzy Caplan alluded to in Party Down. But really, I want to be famous for being likeable and a bit nuts. I want to good things, and possibly be recognized for that. I also want to be known for making really good lemon bars.
What would your superpower be?
Nico actually asked me this, and answered before me saying he would want to make people feel better. I said super strength.
How much is that doggy in the window?
All of the money.
What’s the most imaginative way you’ve ever been asked out?
Craigslist Missed Connections what what?! Yeah, I really have never been asked out in any spectacular ways, nor do I really need to be.
What was the first life lesson you ever learned?
Not to run my head into large woodfire stoves. Logic has escaped me since childhood, it was on one of the first Christmases I can remember. Ran into the huge iron stove we had.
Big spoon or little spoon?
Big spoon and occasional little spoon until the point in the night in which I crack off and become the desert fork to someones butter knife. Not a sex metaphor, I am used to sleeping unembraced.
What’s the most important thing to you in a relationship?
Trust and light heartedness.