Get It While You Can: The Dating Profile of Benjamin Ballard

by: Benjamin Ballard

Preferred Gender Pronoun: “He”

Interested In: Men

1. What you think is our culture’s biggest hang up with sex and dating?

With men especially, I think it’s always a matter of finding or constantly wanting the next best thing. Like sampling something and moving on. It’s silly and maybe even subconscious most of the time, but if you keep your eyes open, you notice it happening whether it’s within yourself or other people.

2. How do you think we can foster world peace?

Quit being bitches.

3. What are you long-term goals?

For the longest time, I thought I had reached all of my goals. I suppose we never stop finding or making new ones. At this point in the show, I want to have happiness in all pillars of life. I am taking being in limbo again in my adult life as an opportunity to find out what I should really be doing and hopefully through that, it will be a happy ending. I believe in happy accidents as well. I have had a couple of those, too.

4. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a detective. As a kid though, that was mostly due to Harriet the Spy making stuff like that look better than say, homework or playing baseball with that one douche bag friend down the street. I was also big on anything that would involve a lot of driving.

5. What turns you on in a sex partner?

Confidence works best for me I’ve come to realize, but overly confident not so much. Someone that isn’t afraid to just go for it. I enjoy the newness and the discovery part of it all, but when it turns into a tip toe song and dance thing, that can be a downer. Also, I have to say that there is a difference between being submissive and being lazy.

6. Did your parents ever catch you having sex or masturbating?

If they ever did, I certainly don’t want to know about it.

7. If you had to marry one Jonas Brother, have sex with another and kill the third one, which would you choose?

This question is stupid. [1]

8. What are the lessons you learned from your most significant relationship?

If your genitals are on the outside, you are probably hiding something on the inside.

9. What’s your ideal first date?

It’s hard to say. There have been a few good ones. I think if it’s at least engaging enough for both people that is ideal.

10. What are your dealbreakers in a partner?

Ego. I get that sometimes it is warranted, but if you can’t take yourself down a peg when need be, that is a problem.

11. Are you a dog person or a cat person and why?

Dogs are cool, but I have to go with cats. They require less. In a sense, I think they are like people. They will show their personality when they want to.

12. What’s one thing you want to tell the world?

Stop texting relationships!  Those aren’t relationships. If you can’t get some face time, then they aren’t worth your time. Maybe I’m old school.

13.  What TV show could you spend all day watching?

It surprises me every time how well it keeps my attention, but hands down, it’s Gilmore Girls. That or Weeds.

14.  How do you see your life when you are older?

It started recently, and I hope to keep it going, but I’d say just to be more content. I have found that the older I get, the less the little things bother me.

15.  If you could be famous for only one thing, what would it be?

I feel like it will happen. Or rather, it is supposed to happen. But for what I am not sure yet.

16.  What’s the most imaginative way you’ve ever been asked out?

It hasn’t happened yet. I hope it’s a good one when it does. I mean, I could certainly handle something involving sky writing.

17.  What was the first life lesson you ever learned?

That was a sad day for me at around 5 years of age. I learned that the Smurfs were not real.

18. Big spoon or little spoon?

There should be a healthy balance of both. In my experience, the strictly little spoons can get a little too spoiled.

19.  What’s the most important thing to you in a relationship?

After some very hard trial and error, I have to go with trust. It may be a cliché, but it’s so true. That and I need both people to be secure enough in themselves and each other.

20.  Finish the phrase:  I could never be with someone who _______________.

Wears Chuck Taylors or treats their Mother poorly.


[1] The editor who compiled this list feels that there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.  Suck on that, Ballard.


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