by: Mar Curran
It has come to my attention that the basis of the upcoming film A Star Is Born is that a young pop star played by Beyonce is romanced by a Kurt Cobain-imitating Tom Cruise. I’m going to give you a minute to let that sink in and try to wrap your brain around how half the projects that are funded in Hollywood are drivel like this.
Recovered? Great. Let’s move on.
This has made me realize that the movie industry is lacking something: casts that are not only terrible but utterly mind-boggling. Casting Cruise in this role proves there must be a demand for it.
This is where I come in, readers. I am perfect for this job. Firstly, because I have been called a hipster, and what would be more hipster than ironically casting people in multimillion dollar movies? Secondly, this would help me in my plot to make people realize that Tori Spelling is not that bad (I own both her autobiographies and will never apologize for this). Third, because I would surely make a lot of money and would use it in part to buy a cat mansion– that is, a mansion for homeless cats to live in and be loved by me and my full time Love Staff (copyright of that term pending).
The best way for me to get hired is to present a sample casting roster. Guess what? I happen to have one. Read it and weep, Hollywood. I’ll send you my salary requirements and my rider tomorrow.
Actor: Crispin Glover
Playing: Dave Grohl
Did I have to Google “creepy actor Charlie’s Angels” to remember Crispin’s name? Is this even weirder considering I have a crush on him? (Don’t judge me.)
Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Playing: Krist Novoselic
I feel like Hoffman is in every movie ever these days. He’s the Nicki Minaj of yesteryear for movies, being sampled in every single one and giving a great performance but unable to carry a whole track on his own for the most part according to American audiences. Also, Hoffman looks grunge in half the roles he plays/all of his real life appearances already, so he can give the role some scummy authenticity.
Actor: Danny Glover
Playing: Dave Foster
I’m not sure what the former Nirvana drummer looks like and can’t be bothered to figure out which Google images are actually him and which are of Mormon dudes with the same name, so I’m just going to throw this out there: Danny Glover needs a comeback. Angels In The Outfield? That was my shit back in the day. This is your moment, Danny Glover. Take it.
Actor: Zooey Deschanel
Playing: Courtney Love
This past year’s It Girl, Deschanel would give a doe-eyed performance of everyone’s least favorite riot grrrl. She already owns enough babydoll dresses to outfit all of a women’s festival (but not the transphobic one in Michigan) so I’m going to save you some money on costuming, too, Hollywood.
Actor: Angelica Houston
Playing: Frances Bean Cobain
I can’t really explain this one. I just feel it in my bones. It’s up to the script writers which age Frances is being portrayed as, but whether she’s Baby Bean or Old Lady Bean reflecting back on her father’s glory days, Houston can handle this role with aplomb.
Actor: Tori Spelling
Playing: Kathleen Hanna
You thought I was kidding, internet, didn’t you? Nope. Spelling is an underrated talent, and playing Cobain’s riot grrrl friend is the only way I can save her career from her new crafting reality show. Donna Martin is back, people.
Actor: Tyler Perry
Playing: Beyonce’s dad/manager
Oh, come on, every young pop diva is managed by her religious father. And who does obnoxious religious tropes better than Perry? I have yet to see his new film, Good Deeds, so I don’t actually know how good his acting may be out of drag, but I feel like this could be a winner.
Actor: Stanley Tucci
Playing: “The bad guy”
I’m assuming there has to be one asshole in the film, because movies often go back to the same tired plotlines. Tucci can play any character, anytime. However, here’s the twist that makes this a certifiable Mar Curran casting: it’s his HOLOGRAM in the role. Bam. Welcome to the future.
Actor: Kelly Rowland
Playing: Kelly Rowland
Oh, come on. I have to get the gay audience into the theater. And Kelly Rowland deserves this role for being Beyonce’s real-world beta wolf for all these years. One role for you, Kelly Rowland. You go, Kelly Rowland.
Mar Curran is a trans/queer rights activist and community organizer; he is on the boards of Video Action league, Advocate Loyola, the Queer intercollegiate Alliance, and works with GetEQUAL. As spoken word artist, he has read at each All The Writers I Know event. He studies Communications and Women’s Studies at Loyola University Chicago. Curran likes beer and cats.