Get It While You Can: The Dating Profile of Timothy Lalowski

In an attempt to become more like the shiksa yentas of their dreams, Nico and Patrick have developed a questionnaire for willing writers to fill out.  They feel this will help showcase the writer’s stellar assets and get them laid/meet wonderful people.  The writers of In Our Words deserve nice things. 

Interested in: Men

Preferred Gender Pronoun: Male

If this were a beauty pageant, how would you introduce yourself?

If this were a beauty pageant, I’d be presenting myself as Victoria S. “Miss Victoria Sikora is one fierce female, and you know she’s gonna kick some ass in those 6” silver heels of hers!”

When did you stop believing in Santa Claus? 

“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.” – Tom Robbins

What famous person epitomizes your ideal mate and why?

The fact that they’re famous makes them unattractive to me. If they’re well known, I want them to be so for the person they are inside, not their pretty face or sultry voice.

What’s something that almost no one knows or that you usually don’t tell people about yourself?

It’s more of a matter of whether or not it is actually important enough to say out loud. I have no shame.

What you think is our culture’s biggest hang up with sex and dating?

There’s not enough love and passion. Two amazing things that will do a person good.

How do you think we can foster world peace?

Here’s a little ditty I wrote a while back.

What are you long-term goals?

I want to revolutionize engineering design. I want to separate it from commercialism and business and only focus on progress.

If you had to stay in on a Friday night alone or with someone special, how would you spend it?

Always involve a half dozen glasses of wine, some good cheese on fancy crackers, and crafts time.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A Pokémon trainer. I had these cardboard chips with all the (original) Pokémon on them that I would have my siblings hide around the yard and I would collect them and battle and such.

What turns you on in a sex partner?

I like someone with confidence in themselves. I don’t care if you don’t like your looks, but be confident in who you are and the heart that you have. I like them to be a little on the strange side, and just not give a rats arse.

Did your parents ever catch you having sex or masturbating?

I think if they did, they would have blinded themselves by now.

If you had to marry one Jonas Brother, have sex with another and kill the third one, which would you choose?

Who? Well, whichever one is the most attractive and legal for the having of the sex. I don’t know anything about them though, so I couldn’t say.

What are the lessons you learned from your most significant relationship?

Don’t tie yourself down. Even marriage should be liberating.

What’s your ideal first date?

One I’ve never gone on before. I love surprises and trying new things.

What are your deal-breakers in a partner?

Omg, smell. If you don’t have proper hygiene…I’m sorry, my nose can’t take it.

Are you a dog person or a cat person and why?

I’m a both. They’re just so cute and cuddly. I couldn’t choose.

What’s one thing you want to tell the world?

I love you!

The Voice or American Idol?

What’s Television?

Britney or Christina?

Christina. Those pipes are so empowering.

What TV show could you spend all day watching?

I’ve done it before and could do it again: RuPaul.

How do you see your life when you are older?

I’m not working as much: college life is draining when you work full time and maintain the president position of the school dance team.

If you could be famous for only one thing, what would it be?

Worlds largest Philanthropist.

What would your superpower be?

I’ve always enjoyed the spy type powers: invisibility, shields, and shape shifting.

How much is that doggy in the window?

There ain’t no price tag on this dog; only loving can afford me.

What’s the most imaginative way you’ve ever been asked out?

I guess it’s not really imaginative, but it sure was ballzy: Some guy called me ‘hooker face’ when asking me out. Moral of the story: it’s a definite don’t.

At gunpoint, if you had to pick one of the current GOP candidates to be our future president, who would it be and why?

Rick Santorum, so I could assassinate that mother f-er and be put down in the history books as a hero for our country, but maybe that’s being a little too graphic and violent.

 What was the first life lesson you ever learned?

Tits are where the milk comes from: and this is why I owe everything to my mother.

Big spoon or little spoon?

Flip spoon.

What’s the most important thing to you in a relationship?

Wanting to make that person happy.

Finish the phrase:  I could never be with someone who _______________.

Consistently embarrassed themselves by saying extremely stupid and thoughtless things.


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