Get It While You Can: The Dating Profile of Johnny Gall

In an attempt to become more like the shiksa yentas of their dreams, Nico and Patrick have developed a questionnaire for willing writers to fill out.  They feel this will help showcase the writer’s stellar assets and get them laid/meet wonderful people.  The writers of In Our Words deserve nice things. 

Interested in: I think you mean in the dating sense and not in a fetish sense, in which case, I’m open for serious relationships, knights on white steeds, sugar daddies, and as always, meet-cutes.

Preferred Gender Pronouns: I identify with male pronouns, but I do always appreciate a she or her thrown in from time to time. just do what you feel like.

When did you stop believing in Santa Claus? 

I always woke up at odd hours of the night as a kid, so when I was five I actually caught my parents putting presents under the tree at around 1:00 am. But they still gave me presents, so I was cool with it.

What’s something that almost no one knows or that you usually don’t tell people about yourself?

So, I play in a bagpipe band. I don’t play the bagpipes; I’m a drummer. But that’s usually awkward enough to explain to people that I don’t even bother. I also get really finnicky when I see someone wearing a kilt wrong.

How do you think we can foster world peace?

I fully believe in the power of hugs. If everyone were forced to hug each other more often, they’d be in a much better mood.

What are you long-term goals?

Mostly, I just want to be Donald Miller. I’ve always been a writer; I love talking about Jesus. I love talking about myself. If I could get paid to do those things, I’d be the happiest person alive.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I still feel guilty about giving up on my dream of being a rock star. I secretly hope that one of my musician friends hits it big so that I can play a guest spot. I also really wanted to be an SNL cast member.

What turns you on in a sex partner?

I like a good sense of confidence. Not arrogance, but confidence. A swagger, if you will. Plus, I like people who are willing to try new things out. I have a pretty healthy sense of kink, and I’d like to be pushed. Also, chest hair.

If you had to marry one Jonas Brother, have sex with another and kill the third one, which would you choose?

They all seem pretty much the same to me. I think I would just play eeney-meeny-miney-moe. I can’t see any real difference in the results

What are the lessons you learned from your most significant relationship?

I suppose my first relationship to date would be that homeless guy I have a one-night love affair with. (Don’t hate.) What I learned from that is that, no matter how much you click with someone, you need to make sure they have their shit together before anything can happen.

What’s your ideal first date?

I’d be completely content just getting a cup of coffee, sitting on a park bench near the water, watching people go by and just talking.

What are your dealbreakers in a partner?

Politics (both too much and the wrong kind). Crocs, dear God. Bad taste in music, bad taste in anything and obsession with their own appearance. Gym rats need not apply.

What’s one thing you want to tell the world?

Can we please all just chill out about the small stuff a little bit? I’m pretty sure your life won’t really be that negatively impacted by the fact that someone bumped into you on the way to work. It’s not a big deal.

 How do you see your life when you are older?

I’m probably the most homo-normative person you know. I really just want a yard, a dog, a couple kids, and a husband I can cook for. Or, alternatively, an apartment, a cat, no more than two kids, and a husband I can order in with.

If you could be famous for only one thing, what would it be? I’m not actually even good at this, but I feel like if I had to be famous, it would be best as a gourmet chef. No one wants to talk about how your dishes changed their life, you still get name recognition, and smaller chance of celebrity rehab.

What would your superpower be?

I’ve always really wanted to fly. A lot. But probably with wings, cause I’m sure doing that pose like superman does would get really old after a while. Yeah, wings, definitely.

How much is that doggy in the window? It doesn’t come cheap. You have to buy it dinner first, and we’ll negotiate an asking price at that point.

What’s the most imaginative way you’ve ever been asked out?

This doesn’t constitute being asked out, but I play drums and this guy once tried to pick me up by saying, “Have you ever looked down when you were playing, and felt like you had two big cocks in your hand?” Worst line ever.

At gunpoint, if you had to pick one of the current GOP candidates to be our future president, who would it be and why?   

Ron Paul. Not because I agree with him at all, but because he’s a libertarian and I’m an anarcho-socialist. So I’m hoping he’ll just do away with the state, and that’ll be step one right there.

 Big spoon or little spoon?

Little spoon. I just don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m big spoon, and they end up falling asleep.

What’s the most important thing to you in a relationship?

I get really self-conscious whenever there’s silence in any conversation, so the ideal is someone who can hold several-hour long conversations without any lulls, at least until I know them well enough to be comfortable with the silence.

Finish the phrase:  I could never be with someone who ________________

doesn’t appreciate Van Morrison. It’s not like he’s my favorite musician or anything, but I just think that I could not be with a man in any romantic context if he didn’t understand why I love Van’s music.


2 responses to “Get It While You Can: The Dating Profile of Johnny Gall

  1. Fun fact!
    In the above picture, I was wearing a bandana specifically to conceal the fact that I did not have eyebrows at the time!
    Long story.

  2. Sushi Pizza changed my life. I don’t know what chef invented it, but if I ever found out, I would go up to that guy and tell him he changed my life. Ditto to the guy who prepared the sushi pizza the day I ate it and my life changed.

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