TV Shows I’m Breaking Up With

by: Shelby Fawn Mongan

I’m a bit of a fighter. Once I get into a relationship, I have the tendency to hold on for dear life until I’ve run it as far into the ground as possible. No one can call me a quitter. Still, there is wisdom in getting out when a relationship isn’t healthy. There’s nothing noble about drowning with a (relation)ship when it’s obviously sinking. As I live out the last month of my twentieth year here on this earth, I’ve made the adult decision to look at the unhealthy relationships in my life and cut ties where they need to be cut. I share these break up letters with the hope that perhaps they’ll inspire someone else to take care of themselves and say that tough goodbye.

Dear Big Bang Theory,

I hate to say it, but I think — no, I know — that we need to stop seeing each other. I did like a lot of the time we had together; don’t get me wrong. You made me smile and we always had plenty to talk about. I was so excited when things were starting out. You seemed smart, and I was excited for the intelligent conversation. How disappointed was I when I realized that your nerdiness was as fake as your laugh track! You manage to make stereotypes worse than they already are. You’re cotton candy with an 8-bit label, and you just aren’t filling me up anymore. Plus, I hate to be shallow, but you’re completely flat and, well, that’s a deal breaker to me. I hope this isn’t going to be too hard for you. Just channel your pain into your research and maybe one day you’ll discover some real laughs.

Live long and prosper,

Shelby
Dear Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,

We’ve got to stop this. These late nights are getting unhealthy for me. I know I’m not exactly committed to you, but there is definitely something between us. It’s like, I never really want you around but dammit, if you’re there, I’ll gladly take you. You’re always greasy and you refuse to settle down. You constantly try to convince me out of my vegetarianism, something I care a lot about, and you couldn’t care less about my waistline. I’m all for body acceptance and love, but I don’t think constant fried foods and sugar will to fuel this body well. I spend hours with you and gain nothing but a glazed expression and a desire for glazed donuts. I can’t do this anymore. You were supposed to be a rebound; I only started with you because I missed Good Eats so bad. We need to cut things off.

Sincerely (and Hungrily),

Shelby

P.S. You know how I feel about Oxford commas.

Dear Doctor Who,

This letter pains me to write, and so I’m just going to say it. I don’t exactly want to stop seeing you, but I think we need to take a break. I miss the magic of what we used to have. Do you remember the old days? Do you remember the fun we had, the adventures we went on? I spent so much time with you, made you the center of my universe, and depended on you. I still care about you, but now all you do is mope around. Everything you say is confusing, you contradict yourself, and I could care less about this Melody you keep singing. And I know what you’re thinking right now, but it’s not true. This is not a grudge from when you kicked out David before, I got over that a long time ago. I just think it’s best if we spend some time apart, really try and find ourselves. Call me if you remember how to have a good time, okay? Please?

All the love in time and space,

Shelby

Dear New Girl,

We both know the beginning of this relationship has had its ups and downs. Sometimes you’re thoughtful and sincere. You know how to make me laugh, toeing the line between being silly and being annoying. Those moments are special to me. But honestly, I’m getting sick of the other side of you: the big, blue-eyed, overly optimistic side. You know the one. You make a manic pixie dream girl look like a catch, and you give quirky a bad name. I’m just not sure the good times are worth putting up with the bad. Please, prove me wrong? Otherwise, we’re through.

No, seriously, please?

Shelby

Dear Parks and Recreation,

Just a little note to remind you that I love you. I know you have a rocky past but I’m so proud of who you’ve become. I love you more than I love Lil’ Sebastian (and we both know that that’s a lot). Have a good day at work.

Kisses,

Shelby

Shelby Mongan is an undergrad student of Catholic Studies and Philosophy at DePaul University, a freelance writer and photographer, and an adopted Chicagoian. She is a staff writer and photographer at Sock Monkey Sound, a music and culture blog based out of Rockford, IL, and has also been featured on HEAVEmedia. She has a tendency towards obsession (which she chalks up to being passionate), speaks nerd fluently, and loves sloths more than she loves most humans. Her day to day life can be found at feelingphiloslothical.tumblr.com.

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4 responses to “TV Shows I’m Breaking Up With

  1. I am so right there with you on Dr. Who. While I know this could be seen as a tendency to just fan-girl Tenant, I have found the 11th Doctor to be a bit of a mess. I blame this, and the really poorly created and presented character of River Song on Steven Moffat.

  2. My sentiments exactly about Triple-D. (And perhaps most of The Food Network in general.) I love the channel, really, I do. But the unapologetic use of grease and the insistence of having meat in EVERY meal (save for dessert…but even then they sometimes want to add bacon) it is making me nauseous. There was an episode of Worst Cooks in America where a contestants wife was vegan and they MADE her eat pork and lobster. Umm…hello!? Chances are, if the lady hasn’t eaten meat in some years, it didn’t treat her very well.
    But perhaps most of all, as you’ve said, it is the lack of caring for the health of their viewers. Paula Deen’s show has YET to change and YET to caution viewers, but I expect nothing less. (I thought it would have been a welcome change to a dying show. Deen cooks healthy! Informative, compassionate, and something I would PAY to see. Can she do it this week?! Watch her face as no butter goes into the pan!)

    I may not leave Food Network all together….but Triple-D, our days are over. Get your sunglasses off the back of your head and walk out the door!

  3. You can all go, fine, that just means more River Song for ME! (She remains my favoritest Companion ever and has been ever since she died in that library and you can’t convince me otherwise.)

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