by: Lady A
DEAR LADY A: Apparently, I haven’t been adventurous enough. For a homo, I’m pretty dull. Basically, I’m satisfied with 2-3 minutes in missionary position. I got a question for your column … AM I DOING IT WRONG? I’ve had guys complain that I’m not any fun in bed. But what if all u want is the steak? What if u dont want the mashed potatoes and salad (hehehe) and green beans and dessert?
– No Action Here!
DEAR NO ACTION JACKSON: So, when someone is generous enough to serve you the full 4 course dinner, you head straight for the meat. Leaving your partners’ side dishes cold and unappreciated, their frosting un-licked, their salad untossed. How’s that working out for you? Do you feel proud that you stood your ground and took only the part you wanted? Or are you starving and sexually malnourished, and not going on many second dates?
I’m sure you’d agree with me, that upon starting a relationship you generally try to put your best personality foot forward. The fact that you’re way too excited to see Anchorman 2 doesn’t mean you’d refuse tickets to the theatre. And since they make your ass look hot, you’re probably willing to put on your scratchy skinny jeans even though you’d much rather meet him in pajama bottoms. That’s because you are a complex and exciting individual with varied interests and abilities (and a hot ass) and it’s important that you demonstrate these qualities for your newest partner. The same rule applies to sex. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, it’s your job to prove that your fucking style is elite, masterful and never just one note. Don’t get me wrong, sir. Three minutes in the missionary position can still be the main course for you. But yes, if you’re not warming him up a little, trying things he wants to try, you are in fact doing it wrong. Not to sound like your nagging sexual grandma, but would it really be so awful to force a few appetizers down just to show him that you care? My advice to you is, suck it up. Literally, if at all possible. Try everything he has to offer, at least once. Because really, how can you know you don’t want green beans until you’ve tasted his green beans. I truly think that once you get out of your rut and try an extra side dish, you’ll remember just how good it (and he) really tastes.
It’s tough in the dating world, so good luck out there, Mr. Action. Now, go have your meat and eat him, too!
DEAR LADY A: I heard your birthday is approaching. How old are you, anyway? It’s really hard to tell from your picture.
– Birthday Curious
DEAR B-CURIOUS: Well my dear, I’ve got the body of a 22-year-old and the acquired knowledge of a sage, old retired professor. My vitriol and snarkability were born the day Dottie started lunching at the Algonquin Hotel. My style sensibility is one part Bettie Page, two parts Lucy with just a splash of Iggy Pop. I listen to Sarah Vaughan, Radiohead, and Shiny Toy Guns all in the same playlist and I’d rather watch a Kristen Bjorn movie than one by Michael Bay. By my estimation, these factors add up to make me around 508. But please don’t confuse me with one of those glittery, sour-faced vampires. I don’t look a day over a hundred.
Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.