by: David Chastity
I can’t do friends with benefits. I can’t manage fuck buddies. I am so freaked out by the idea of consistent, no romantical-strings attached sex. Y’all know I love me some one-night stands. But change that fantastic one night into a second, or a third, and I get trapped in a terrible well of fear and confusion.
It’s weird. I can date just fine. Anyone who makes me feel gooey inside, I happily mush all my bits up in theirs and snuggle all night and kiss goodbye in the morning and start counting the hours until we do it again. Hell, I do things like making mushy playlists and cleaning my house before they come over ’cause I’m so excited that I can’t sit still. So it’s not like I’m afraid of commitment or letting anyone close to me. I’m plenty good at telling my secrets to friends and lovers.
It’s that part where you mix friends and lovers. I like love, and I like caring about people, and I mostly can only divide the people I know into “people I have sex with” and “people I don’t have sex with.” The latter group is friends and acquaintances, the former is partners or one-night stands. In both categories, there are people I care more and less about, and people I spend more and less time with. Someone I like spending time with and having sex with is someone I am dating, someone I like spending time with and don’t have sex with is a good friend. Easy, right?
And then this “fuck buddies” thing comes along and screws it all up. There was this guy, we’ll call him Mike. He lived just across the state line, but he came over to the city sometimes and so we got together one night and had dinner or drinks or something, and came back to my place and fucked. He seemed perfectly nice and the sex was fine, not great but not awful, and I didn’t feel any of the fluttery little happy gooey things I feel when I’m romantically falling for someone. Mike and I kept GChatting and being friendly. We had sex another time or two, and it seemed like I had found myself one of those non-dating friends with benefits.
I couldn’t do it. I was so weirded out by talking to this guy and having sex with him and really not caring about him any more than a casual acquaintance. Not at all wanting to make extra time for him, but just having him as a backup lay. I figured my problem was that he was too friendly on the GChat, wanting to talk to me every day or every other day or on a Saturday morning or something. (I’m kind of a terrible anti-social person, I won’t pretend otherwise.) So I started just letting myself get too busy for him and one day I blocked him on GChat. (This is not the way to break up with someone, even a fuck buddy, but I was a confused coward. Fuck buddies freak me out, okay?)
So I resolved to only date and not just have sex with people who are friendly but not on the romantical side of the divide. And promptly wandered into a pretty ill-advised relationship, but that’s a different story. I broke up with that guy in all the right ways.
Months passed and I started telling people that I can only do one night stands or falling in love, and not much in between. It worked for me. Then, as the summer drew to a close, I met this guy, let’s call him Mickey. Mickey seemed perfectly nice, and he put up with my bitchy online banter really well, and he pressured me into video chatting with him but I didn’t feel obligated to take my shirt off for him. Plus he was definitely involved with other girls, which makes me like dudes a lot better, and he even got me in a group skype with one girl to see if maybe we wanted to do a threesome. So he seemed like a guy worth a first date, even though I wasn’t positive how I felt about him. It’s hard to tell before you meet in person.
In person I knew. Mickey (who is a comedian or some kind of legitimately interesting profession) totally bored me, and I was not the least bit interested in having any kind of conversation with him. For no reason other than my misanthropic whims. But that didn’t stop me from hooking up with him- the point of one-night stand sex is that it doesn’t matter if you like the other person or not. It’s sex.
And Mickey ended up being one of the best lays I’ve had. Not as good as the sex therapist, no, but really fantastic in bed. How could someone I didn’t want to spend any social time with be so good once we shut up and started pushing our bodies together? He didn’t even need much pushing to leave my house when we were done. I was impressed.
So of course I wanted to do that again. Why get back on the treadmill of surprise who-knows-how-they’ll-do sex with strangers when you have a skilled partner ready and waiting? And best of all, Mickey wasn’t falling for me. He wanted nothing but sex, just like me. Match made in heaven, right?
Not in my crazy head. It’s been some 7 months since Mickey and I first hooked up. We’ve managed it again once or twice, neither one of us making it a high priority, and I travel a lot, and I guess he’s busy too or something. I don’t hear from him for two months at a time, assume we’ve fizzled out, and then he’s back. Every time, I have a little crisis. Can I do this? What if all the conversation about my boundaries didn’t matter and he’s trying to trap me in a relationship that’s more than just sex? What if he tries to talk to me on a Saturday morning? What will I do? Usually what I do is text a boyfriend or two and whine and get reassurance that I’m a crazy person and need to get over it. Often I get a free pass because Mickey wants to hang out when I’m out of town anyway.
Not last week, though. It was even Spring Break, no chance to claim I was too busy with homework. I sucked it up and scheduled an evening with him. Freaked out a little, sure, but put on my sexy underwear and went about my day and removed the dirty dishes from my bed and told myself it would be fine, or at least I’d learn a good lesson about myself about it.
Motherfucker flaked out on me at the last minute. Maybe he’s as confused by this whole fuck buddies thing as I am.
David Chastity is some girl who lives in a city on the East Coast and likes kissing. She also really enjoys doing the Onion A.V. Club crossword puzzle, drinking good beer and finding the secret sexual meanings in popular music. She’s working on her MDiv and convincing Jesus to marry her.