Dear Lady A: 10 Rules for Pragmatic Perverts

by: Lady A

Note: This piece was originally featured on the Chicago Phoenix and was reposted with permission. You can find the original here.

DEAR LADY A: You seem like a shining example of daintiness, good hygiene and overall decorum. What would you say are some of your lesser known rules of gay male sextiquette and/or practical advice?

– Protocol Is For Queers, Too

DEAR P’s For Q’s: Thank you for noticing how shiny and dainty I am. It’s true I wear white gloves to tea, brush my hair at least a hundred strokes a day and I always wash my dildo strap with lavender soap, because that’s just the kind of punctilious bitch I am. One day, I will write a book: Lady A’s Essential Guide To Sanitary Snatch, Penis Propriety And Most Agreeable Anus but until then, I’m happy to share a few of my more obscure — but just as relevant — guidelines off the top of my head. Here are 10 essential rules for perverts who’d like to be pragmatic and proper, in no particular order…

  • Stay wardrobe consistent. If he dresses as a cop and you’re the handcuffed robber, that makes sense. If he dresses as a cop and you’re Little Miss Muffet, now everyone is confused. And a little scared.
  • Do not make an untoward face, if you hate the taste of his spunk. Through diet you can fix most stank semen in the long term. But in the moment, be polite about the issue. If you hate it, don’t say it. And by all means, don’t spray it.
  • Removing all pubes will not make your junk look bigger. It will make you look obsessive-compulsive or like you have recently been electrocuted in the scrotal area. I’m not saying don’t manscape. Just leave some hair. It’s not just for bears.
  • Scrape those callouses off your hooves before you give a “foot job.” And for heaven’s sake, give yourself a home pedicure once in a while. It’s the least you could do if he’s into feet.
  • It is generally wise to assume your partner applies “the golden rule.” Whatever sexual favor he offers you, he’d like done, too. Not that you have to comply with his wishes; that of course is entirely up to you. But never just assume you’ve hit the jackpot and met the world’s most altruistic anilingus-giver. If you know what I mean. And you do.
  • Silicone-based lube stays slippy for much longer if you’re looking to win endurance medals in humping. But it can have a laxative effect if ingested in high quantities, so try not to eat too much. Also, if you’re into multi-tasking your products, you can use a tiny amount to keep your hair flyaway-free, and silicone lube can weatherproof your leather boots in the winter. Take that, Martha Stewart.
  • If you can’t reach it, don’t bleach it. Assholes are not naturally the color of blanched heirloom carrots, so let’s stop pretending they are.
  • If you’re going to pee on each other (don’t act like you’re better than that), keep your golden showers in the actual shower. This makes cleanup a breeze, and let’s face it boys, you’re much more likely to get that renter’s deposit back.
  • If you nickname your partner’s body parts, do not use names you may want to use one day for your pets. In other words, don’t let this conversation happen to you:

“Boo Boo isn’t feeling well.”
“Oh, he isn’t? Well, let’s kiss him and make him feel better.”
“No, seriously. He just threw up in my shoe.”
“Huh? … Oh, you mean the cat.” (awkward silence)

  • Do not forget your safe word. And make sure it’s something you wouldn’t normally say, like “iguana” or “trapper keeper” because it has to be entirely recognizable as the thing you utter when it’s time to put an immediate stop to things if they have gone too far or off track or if you’re just plain done. For instance, my safe word is ‘Eponymous’.

Hope these tips have enlightened, Mr. P’s For Q’s. Or at the very least amused. Oh, and by the way: Eponymous.

Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.

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