by: Lady A
DEAR LADY A: I’m in an open relationship with a guy who is fine with our casual status but hates when I flirt in front of him. Every time we go to a bar or even the grocery store, it seems like someone cute is making eyes at me and I really want to pursue it. How can I give someone my info without seeming like a jerk to my date?
DEAR UNDERCOVER OPERATOR: A business card with your cell number or email is the best way to go about this gracefully. You may have no professional need to carry it, but these days everyone has a card, and you can order a box for less money than it takes to buy a nice dinner … And most importantly, it’s tactful. Carry a few cards in your coat pocket, loose so you don’t have to dig around for one. When you see someone you like, catch their eye then casually leave a card on the nearest surface and walk away. They’ll know what to do next if their interest is aroused by your covert flirt.
DEAR LADY A: What does a hot, smart, near-sided guy have to do to get cruised by someone hip and interesting? Do gay men seldom make passes at boys who wear glasses?
– Four Eyes
DEAR FOUR EYES: Well, that depends. Sweating it out at the gym or the club tends to fog up your specs, so if you’d like to be hit-on by jocks or model-types, you need to get contact lenses. This might not be so bad, since they have improved a lot lately in terms of comfort. Still, if you stay overnight and your jock or model has no saline solution, you’ll most likely have to deal with red, swollen eyes in the morning. Try to make the look work to your advantage by acting moody and posing like James Dean, if he were trading awkward morning-after-a-one-night-stand small talk over cereal.
On the other hand, hipsters may be the way to go, since they actually prefer their dates in glasses. In hipster culture, it is widely accepted that bespectacled boys are superior in intelligence and in ability to score tickets to see Bon Iver, both of which can get you laid. If you do choose to embrace your hipster side, make certain your frames are chunky and your slacks are slim. Trade your favorite dance clubs for ‘music venues’, buy yourself a $70 vintage tee shirt and by all means, continue to quote Dorothy Parker. Hipsters are impressed by obscure-but-still-recognizable quips written by people smarter than themselves. But you already knew that, didn’t you, Four Eyes?
DEAR LADY A: Are you a professional dominatrix?
– Your Willing Slave
DEAR SLAVE: No, honey, I’m a professional fruit fly. I’m simply dominant by nature. Now, drop and give me twenty. You’ve been very bad.
Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.