by: Lady A
Note: This piece was originally posted at Chicago Phoenix. You can find the original here.
DEAR LADY A: I love your column, but I’m heterosexual and I have a boyfriend, so I hope it’s okay to write to you. My problem is not really a problem at all for me, but it is for my guy. It’s that I love to watch man-on-man pornography. I don’t watch it in my boyfriend’s presence and I have no desire to get him in a three-way with another man, but I can tell it still totally freaks him out. He thinks I might be “heteroflexible” or something, but I know I’m just a really, really straight girl who occasionally likes to watch gay guys fuck. What do you think I should do to ease his mind?
– Straight Girl, Gay Problems
DEAR STRAIGHT GIRL: Of course it’s okay to write to me, Straighty. I have no Kinsey Scale requirements for my readers and I like to consider myself inclusive and accepting of all perverts on that spectrum. As for what I think you should do? … I think you should come over to my place the next time you want to watch porn. (Or we could do a movie swap party. I’ll supply the chips, dip and obscure Falcon Studios flicks) Man-on-man action is yummy, honey. And not just by gay guy standards. As a matter of fact, you are not the first definitively straight woman — or even the twentieth — to admit to this particular pornographic interest in my current email inbox. There are many brilliant socio-political and/or gender bending theories about what makes a multitude of heteros like yourself so amenable to boys on film, but from your wording, I feel confident that yours is a simpler explanation: For some “really, really straight” girls, jizz is hot and pussy is not. And when a girl likes dick as much as you do, two penises are simply better than one.
Tell your boyfriend, decisively, you have no interest in ending a harmless flirtation with homoerotica, but you will continue to respect his wishes about not watching it in front of him. When he inevitably pouts and demands to know why, tell him you are so very hetero and unconfused about your sexuality that, when you’re rubbing one off alone at home, sometimes even the sight of some cheap floozy’s overfilled DDD’s blocking the cock on screen makes your manparts-loving eyes feel sad. That ought to shut him up.
DEAR LADY A: I’m a straight woman but I think this question might be better suited for a queer columnist. Basically, my issue is that my boyfriend wants me to stick my finger in his bum while we’re having sex. I’m willing to do it, but I’m wondering if he’s bisexual.
– Finger, Really?
DEAR LADY FINGERS: I cannot say whether he’s bi (perhaps you should just ask him), but I will tell you that it’s a very bad idea to associate ass play exclusively with queerness. These days, more and more sexually-educated straight guys want to try a finger up their butt, and prostates are definitely not just for homos anymore. Now, onto the fun part … his fun part. Have him climb aboard, throw a lubricated condom over your middle finger, gently push it inside him while he’s pushing into you, and as he’s pumping his hips above you, bend at the joint to rub the walnut-shaped prostate with the pad of your finger in a “come hither” motion. Pay attention to his reactions, and you’ll quickly learn how he likes to be touched. His gleeful writhing will guide you.
Just one word of warning, from one naughty girl to another. Cut your fingernails, darling!
Lady A may not be a real headmistress, but she is a real lady and she plays “teacher” in the bedroom all the time. And as a certified bisexual and a slutty one at that, she’s seen enough clits and dicks to teach even you dirty boys and girls a thing or two. Ask a question and she’ll school you good. She may even spank you with a ruler. But only if you like that kind of thing.