Who I’m “Dating” Now That I’ve Been Single For Two Years

by: Mariann Devlin

I’ve had a lot of people, over the last couple years, exclaim: “Uh, why are you single?”

Good question, although I’m not nearly as uncomfortable with it as I pretend to be sometimes. I like to exaggerate the extent of my “loneliness,” because the big secret is I have an entire harem at my disposal. I’m actually in several polyamorous relationships that fulfill my various intellectual, emotional and sexual appetites.

My Vibrator: 

Enough said.

Amazon.com’s Rating System:

I don’t need to date someone cultured in order to be “in the know.” I’ve got Amazon.com to keep me informed on all the new releases from Criterion, my favorite indie musicians, and that latest Walter Benjamin essay collection, so long as I update my Ratings list regularly. And by regularly, I mean everytime I consume any form of media. This does not make me look like an obsessive-compulsive who spends too much time at her computer and not enough time in the presence of people.

My Ultimate Morrissey/Nick Cave Playlist:

Whenever I question my “singledom” I turn to the wisdom of two of my favorite Catholic self-loathers, Morrissey and Nick Cave. My conflicted feelings toward my lack of boyfriend intimacy plays itself out in a playlist of these two romantic antiheroes. As Nick Cave put it best, “Give him more! There’s a devil crawling along your floor!” Then Morrissey, in “Stretch Out and Wait,” jumps in and says, “Au contraire! Intellectual conversations are far superior to shagging!”

There is a consensus between them, however. It’s complicated, so withhold your judgment kthx.

My Roommate’s Cat:

Even though Mika Cat is probably going to be moving away in August (neither one of us is a fan of long-distance) we’re enjoying it while it lasts. She’s amazing; the moment I walk in the door after a long day at work, she’s thrilled to see me, and welcomes me back with lengthy cuddle sessions.

“I wuv you Meek-Meek,” I say, as I stroke her face lovingly. “You’re so cute and so sweet. Such a sweet girl you are! Oh yes! Oh yes!”

“Mao. Purrr.”

My Best Friend:

Like I said, I’m not a fan of long-distance relationships, although my best gal pal is an exception to the rule. It’s been a couple years since we last lived together, before she moved to another state for graduate school, but since then we’ve continued to exchange texts, emails, and phonecalls at least once a day- and if one of us is absent, we just know something’s up. We have never fought. We always end our conversations with, “I LOVE YOU and I miss you sooo much!”

When she comes to visit me, our reunion is something out of a Nicholas Sparks novel. Laughing girlishly, we stroke each other’s hair and rock back and forth, to the amazement of many a random stranger. How did I get so lucky? She’s warm, funny, smart, unbelievably beautiful, and get this- she loves me. She really, really loves me!

My New Kindle:

Kindle and I just started seeing each other. I’ve never really been with an e-reader before, was always a “physical book” kind of girl, but so far it’s been great. We’re in the honeymoon phase where I want to spend all my time with her. The love I have with Kindle is far less burdensome and unwieldy than my relationships with past reading materials. Last night we had a pretty romantic evening, sipping Chartreuse next to a quiet fireplace, the lights of the room just dim enough to create a sexy atmosphere without making it hard to see her face. My first Kindle book is the Patti Smith memoir, “Just Kids”, and it really is exemplary of what non-normative love looks like. Smith had her queer artist boy, I have someone else’s cat, various instruments of technology, and songs written by pensive musicians.

Mariann Devlin is a journalism school graduate from Loyola University. She’s a reporter for Patch.com, and a volunteer contributor to Streetwise magazine, a publication dedicated to ending homelessness. Originally from Anchorage, Alaska, Mariann moved to Chicago four years ago and still complains incessantly about the cold winters.


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