by: Adam Guerino
I know I should start dating someone, I think I’m ready. However, I’m not ready to jump into anything seriously. I want to start slow, get my feet wet a little bit. Maybe just start seeing someone casually. And I figure, if I’m going to start seeing someone new, it might as well be a therapist.
That’s not just a pun. I mean, sure, I’ve been told for years, “Woah, Adam, you really need to go see a therapist,” and maybe I’ve internalized it all. In all actuality, I have plenty of stuff I need to deal with and everyone could use an unbiased, clinical opinion sometimes so I think it’s time. But I’m so poor. So, I’m going to find a therapist to date and try to sneak in free therapy conversationally. (That seems smart and healthy, right?) Picture this: after a few very few slow, casual dates. Maybe coffee or beer once a week, for an hour or so at a time. After we’ve already established introductions as far as where the other is from, a little about their family and relationship history, I’ll start asking his opinion on things.
He might ask, “How was your day?” and I might respond, “My mom called, she complains about her relationship with my dad and I think, ‘If you think he’s so awful then why did you let me grow up with him?’ Is that normal?” Or maybe we’ll have cute morning texts after seeing each other for a month where I say good morning and he responds, “How’d you sleep?” And I go, “I had that one re-occuring dream where I’m petting my childhood dog that we got when I was 5 and he died in my arms when I was 18. Growing up kind of smart and strange in a small town in Iowa, he was my only friend, you know? Anyway, how’d you sleep?”
I know what you’re thinking. It’s going to get weird when we start having sex, but I disagree. Because everytime I cum on his chest — bam! — instant Rorschach test. “That’s interesting, when I look at my spooge on your chest I see a butterfly split in two with a razorblade–I wonder what that means?” And better believe, he’ll tell me. Because when you’re dating someone, you want them to not be crazy anymore. He’ll be a more-than-willing participant to my own recovery.
It may sound like I’m just using him. And sure, that may be true, he will offer years of experience and insight into what might normally be a boyfriend’s support. But don’t forget, he’ll be getting a little something-something too. (Make more explicit or semi hilarious what he would be getting here) And if it sounds strange that I’d exchange dates or sex for therapy like an addict might do for a fix, maybe you’re right. Maybe I should see a therapist about that.
Adam Guerino is a writer in Chicago who works nationally as a stand-up comedian event producer. Guerino is the creator of OutLoud Chicago a production effort bringing queer entertainment to the mainstream with rotating venues including Queer Comedy at Zanies and Barefoot Ballad at The Hideout. His benefit series We Are Halsted seeks to get the queer community to support the queer community by raising funds and awareness for queer homeless youth. For more information and a calendar of upcoming events, www.adamguerino.com.