Top 5 Places I Want to Occupy

by: Danielle Wordelman

Occupy Wall Street and the subsequent sit ins in solidarity have inspired a slew of people of all ages, races, genders, social classes, locations, orientations and identities to organize on the sidewalk against the 1%.  While I realize the importance of invading the Chicago Board of Trade and the Federal Bank, I also did not know there were this many totally awesome radicals in Chicago.  We should have occupied other places earlier!  We could have had slumber parties!  We could have had John Cusack movie marathons!

Now that we’re all friends, here’s where I think we should Occupy next:

5. #occupymarilyn

No one knows where she came from or why she’s here. It’s degrading to women and the aesthetic value of Chicago.  Misogynists look up her skirt, and Seward Johnson butchered her beautiful face.  Water Tower Place is also the center of consumer-driven culture in Chicago, as it is home to the Chicago’s most sweatshop-labor-loving stores (read: upscale and trendy).  We could organize a cross-dressing campaign where we parody Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell; we’ll see what’s itching after seven years when we tear the statue down.  It’s also down the street from Trump Tower, if you aren’t too tired to attack Donald Trump in the same trip.

4. #occupied

Protestors have stormed Grant Park the past two weekends proclaiming: “Take the Horse!”  But what if everyone brought a pie instead?  Instead of arresting people for being out after curfew, the police would have to let them stay because it’s been “occu-pied.”  Everyone gets a place to sleep and everyone gets a slice of pie.  We are the 99% and we want it a la mode, please.  This is socialism at its best: tasty and shareable.

3. #occupymybed

Ladies, gentle variants and men, but not all at once.

2. #occupythetardis

So I’m not actually going to protest Doctor Who, I think this would just be a cool thing to do. It’s bigger on the inside – so all of us would fit as we travel through space and time.  Also, we have found evidence of queer aliens, as Jack Harkness can attest to.  Consider it a vacation.

1. #occupytheteaparty

In the initial demonstrations of the Tea Party Movement, I definitely thought these people were advocating fancy doilies, finger sandwiches and fantastical trips down the rabbit hole, but I quickly realized my mistake.  As a major supporter of subversive tea parties – circle-A linzer cookies, venus symbol doilies and queer teacups – staging a Victorian style tea party in front of the Federal Reserve would reclaim the wealth which the 1% unjustly procured. We could do Jane Austen readings and wear our best finery, this commenting on the absurdity of wealth distribution, imperialism, our state of economic immobility and the members of that other “Tea Party” (who are not invited.)  Smash capitalism!  Smash monocles!

Danielle Wordelman is a third-year dilettante studying books written by dead people and paintings of (mostly) naked women. You can usually find her on her gold bike when she is not at the Wolfram Manor Collective. When she is not at home or at school, she visits craft stores and dreams about her life as an old woman where no one will criticize her for being crotchety, crocheting or tumbling.

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